1 of 1- DollyLongstaff
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To Michaely: Just Between Us
As a fellow writer of fiction (mainly in the roman a clef and bodice ripper formats) and having studied at the knee of the late, great Barbara Cartland
I thought I would offer you some well meaning suggestions, "tips of the trade" so to speak, on how to "gin up" your story a bit in order to make it more marketable to today's audiences, who always seem to be looking for more...more sex... more glamour....more fantastic situations.; it can be difficult to keep up.
Now to your lovely story dear, about the timeless topic of winter turning to spring.
(I've taken the liberty to post your efforts here with some tiny little amendments you may (or may not) choose to employ.)
Vikingwoman awoke to the sound of water dripping.
("That fu%king plumber was supposed to be here a week ago" she muttered.)
(Feeling the first pangs of a major hangover) she squinted as she looked about her still darkened (booze stenched ) room.
the (icy, cold) stone walls of her bedroom (permanently coated with tar and nicotine) were (eerily) gently illuminated by the (pathetic flicker) soft glow of the (quickly fading remnant of a) fire in the hearth. nothing (save for an overturned lamp, a slashed photo of Charlie Manson signed by the entire Manson family and some broken chachkas) seemed out of place. she had a feeling something was off for days. (Other than her new habit of mixing booze and painkillers) there was nothing she could put a finger on.
(Unlike previous incidents in the past few months) there was no evidence of foul play she could point too...just a nagging (psychotic) feeling that stayed with her. it (was slowly, but effectively torturing her) disturbed her.
she pushed aside her (mustard and coffee stained afghan) heavy fur throw (and groaned) as she got out of bed. she pulled on her (thread bare kimono, shot through with holes from errant cigarette ashes.) robe and stuck her (swollen feet and cankled ankles) into the slippers her friend ( Joni ) view fashioned for her (out of plastic bread bags) as a gift and (shuffled) walked to the fire. she (cursed and poked) at the dying embers and. (with an "I could care less" attitude) tossed in a fresh log. the fire grew and the flames (flared up, singeing her un-tweezed eyebrows) licked at the dry wood.
soon the room was (as hot as the furnaces of Hell) brighter warmer and less empty feeling (she thought to herself as she scratched her left buttock).
Viking, watched (with a myopic stare) the dancing flames and as if satisfied (or not caring less) that the fire would last the rest of the night she turned her attention to the (dirt encrusted) window.
she stared out at the darkness through the (broken, leaded) glass panes. she braced herself for a blast of arctic air and unlatched the window (hoping to stave off the first rush of a hot flash).
this time of year in iceland the frigid temps bowed the strongest of men (and lesbians) after the Christmas holidays and (Groundhog Day) winter solstice those who live in this part of the world rarely venture out far from home. (And why would they? Liquor cabinets and) larders were stocked and stores filled (with salty junk food and gooey sweets) to carry one over till the weather breaks. snow is measured in feet (but never shoveled) and ice brings ( down power, TV and telephone lines, causing numerous fires by emitting dangerous sparks) sparkle to every tree fence or bush for months.
the (rusted, broken) latch (fell with a thud) clicked and Viking (using all her weight, elbowed open the) pushed open the window (practically knocking it off its hinges) ever so slightly.
surprisingly the air that rushed in wasn't menacingly cold.........but (horribly rancid) warm. (With even more determination to escape her self imposed prison. Using her other elbow) she (flung) pushed the window wider and leaned out.
the (gusty wind and hale) breeze was (were like hot pin pricks) almost (brazen) as (they pummeled and punished) caressed her cheek.
she (winced in pain and through her burning, blood shot eyes) squinted into the darkness and listened.
(Lo! what's that I hear? She asked of no one as her head spun in a thousand different directions trying to locate the source)
she heard the sound of the water (again) rushing in from the the river .
(River? What river? There's a river? At last she was becoming aware of something that had been coming on slowly but surely over her many years; she had completey lost her grip on reality.)
her chest tightened.
(It wasn't water from the river, or snow melting or the early coming of spring. It was the blocked commode in the powder room overflowing.)
Last edited by DollyLongstaff (2/05/2016 9:53 am)
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- Teachesk
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
made me snort my Tea!!
"The best candy shop a child can be left alone in, is the library"
Maya Angelou
- DollyLongstaff
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
I'm posting this verbatim:
What adult (or child for that matter) in their right mind could find pleasure from such gibberish?
vikingwoman folded her hands in her lap to keep from drumming her fingers on the table. she was dressed and tidy ready to face what ever the day would bring. she was looking at a tea cup at the service beside her waiting for her friend to emerge. soon her patience was rewarded rnrs head popped up surrounded by oats seeds and flower petals. her large black eyes blinking then the rest of her emerged.viking woman couldnt help but smile as the mouse carefully climbed over the rim of the cut to drop to the table top. her thin long tail curled about her as she gave her ears and whiskers a swipe with small hands.
"I would waste away on a diet of that" viking said looking into the tea cup rnr just climbed out of.
" you're not a mouse" rnr said simply
" you could choose to be something else" viking countered. she know her little friend had many magical talents.
rnr looked thoughtfully at the vikingwoman then asked" why would I want to be anything other than what I am"? the serious mouse walked to stand closer to her friend and added " do you wish I was different?"
"hell no!" viking fairly shouted. seeing the mouses raised eyes viking remembered the mouses sensitivity to loud noises and to swearing."that is to say..no I wouldnt" viking corrected in a softer tone of voice.
the small mouse krept to the hand resting on the table and smiled up at viking "I was ok with the first one.." she said patting Vikings hand.
Viking sighed with relief that she didnt cause any pain to her little friend.
" ready"? she asked the mouse. at the mouses nod viking opened her hand for rnr to climb on and the she slid the mouse into the pocket of her vest.
viking then felt the mouse get settled and looked down to see the small head pop out of the top of the pocket.
" remember...talk only when we're alone." viking warned.
at the mouses nod viking opened the heavy door to her keep and stepped out into the warm air.
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Thread Starter- DollyLongstaff
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
It reads like an allegory written by someone on crack.
Last edited by DollyLongstaff (2/08/2016 6:27 am)
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Thread Starter- DollyLongstaff
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
Or LSD.....
"Plip plop" whent the keys of a half moons age. "What yont wonder?" pippled the gromph. "Splish splash" quippled the Q. Her toon's eve spelled straightly down the riverbed and crashed into mighty boulders and drowned under the freezing water.But up its still came and tumbled in a Time.
Time has given us these quimple pleas, of what shall I do with what I am given?
Connection. They say connection is the key. The key some brave mountaintops and some find on their front door. Based on my time I can tell the last me had no idea as well. Absolutely none.
I'd wondered wondered, and then wondered wondered.
Noise, noise in the system came next.
Some noise that triggered and some noise that kept the secret of one whose ready is no or the secret of the who whose notion was go.
Control, control was the scariest. I heard it and felt it more than anything. And they know they do But, simply and just, they love you.
Last edited by DollyLongstaff (2/08/2016 6:31 am)
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Thread Starter- zeke
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
Painful to read.
- DollyLongstaff
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Re: To Michaely: Just Between Us
nip and iggoz with their new friend waca walked along the forest floor till they came to a mound of earth off the path. it was just a little bit farther than iggozs tree.
One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
"Jj" nip called softly to the mound. nip listened to hear if any movements could be heard from beneath the dirt. after a fashion when the cat had little success nip turned to iggoz who sat patiently scanning their surroundings for predators. "now what?" nip asked genuinely perplexed."are you sure shes here??"
And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small
" she's here." iggoz said confidently. " if you feel the mound its warm"
nip shrugged her shoulders and leapt up on to the mound. sure enough the mound of earth was warm. she could feel a distinctive difference through the pads of her feet.
"if I may.." wacas silky voice broke the silence" what is JJ?" she asked simply.
nip looked down at the squirrel from atop the mound "shes a hedgehog."
"well..its winter." waca offered.
the cat looked at the chipmunk a bit at a loss and seeing no help or understanding there nip replied " I know that"
"then you know your friend is asleep...?" waca asked a bit confused." you do know hedgehogs hibernate through winter."
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head
Feed your head
Last edited by DollyLongstaff (2/11/2016 10:24 am)
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