1. In Slovenia, I was a catalog model, which is what you call a model you order out of the catalog.

2. I’m the only First Lady to ever wear sunglasses to a hurricane.

3. I can crush walnuts with my cheekbones.

4. I have no first language.

5. I spent two years in a vault at Deutsche Bank when Donald defaulted on a loan.

6. In order to speed things up, I let him call me Ivanka.

7. I hope I inspire little girls everywhere to marry for money.

8. As a model, I threw up after meals. Now I just throw up after sex.

9. The first thing that attracted me to Donald was the bulge in his pants. His wallet.

10. I once played Scrabble against Eric and the final score was 3 to 2.

11. Every time I look at my husband I’m reminded of the Slovenian national dish, a fat greasy sausage filled with cheese.

12. Every year I send a thank-you note to the family of the man who invented golf.

13. The biggest thing I miss about New York is being hundreds of miles away from my husband.

14. I once caught Mike Pence trying on my stilettos.

15. I feel I share a bond with the thousands of American women who have also slapped Donald’s hand away.

16. I don’t mind visiting poor people, but poor and wet people is a bit much.

17. My Secret Service code name is “That Poor, Poor Woman.”

18. I copied this list from Michelle Obama.

19. Growing up in Slovenia, I had a pet cat named “Delicious.”

20. I’ve always been attracted to rich, powerful, older men who eat Kentucky Fried Chicken that might bring on an early death.

21. Sometimes when I bounce light off my diamond, Donald’s hair will chase it like a cat.

22. Closing your eyes and picturing Ryan Gosling works better than you’d think.

23. I wish I knew why I was having a recurring dream I’m pinned beneath a giant orange sack of s—.

24. Economically, I Hope Every Last Person can Make Enough money.

25. If I could tell my younger self just one thing it would be this: if you catch a leprechaun and he gives you a wish, be more specific.

Last edited by DollyLongstaff (9/16/2017 8:28 am)