1.  I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
  2.  My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
  3.  I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
  4.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
  5.  It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  6.  Some days you're the dog, some days you're the fire hydrant.
  7.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  8.  Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
  9.  Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
10.  These days I spend a lot of time wondering about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, then 
       wonder what I'm here after.