Plan B » Taser

MamaSqu · 10/27/2015 9:35 am

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is
to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two
triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But
then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so
I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like heck!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Earl

Sam · 10/27/2015 9:49 am

Quite shocking that someone would tase themselves!

MamaSqu · 10/27/2015 10:02 am

Sam wrote:
Quite shocking that someone would tase themselves!

funny

Dori · 10/27/2015 10:04 pm

Hilarious! Your the best! A heckova Anniversary gift he gave his wife that night! ROTFLMAO!!

MamaSqu · 10/28/2015 5:48 am

Thank you. Now if only he would post how much the reward is, we could determine if it's worth helping locate his missing jewels.

Dori · 10/28/2015 6:09 am

Good Morning! Nice to start out with a morning smile!

MamaSqu · 10/28/2015 6:51 am

Just saw this one a minute ago :

When your girlfriend whispers, "Tell me what you want." during sex.
The wrong answer is ,"Nachos"

Dori · 10/28/2015 6:56 am

I hereby award you the winner of the best jokes IMO,of course!

MamaSqu · 10/28/2015 7:08 am

Spank you very much.

MamaSqu · 10/29/2015 10:46 am

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your
cheeks then there's no hope for you.

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They
actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.

It
takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(NativeTexans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,

they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy sh!t, what the *ell is this stuff? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the
beer.

Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue!, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. b!tch is starting
to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really p!sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh!t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that sl#t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my @ss with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh!t to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but
spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili.

MamaSqu · 10/31/2015 7:28 am

Did I ever tell you about my one and only trip to Africa? It was the trip of a lifetime, a photo safari and it
was strictly by invitation to see if we could find and photograph the mythological Phoo Bird. There was
about 25 of us in our entourage, plus we had about 20 'guides' to help us out along the way. Our instructions
from our native translator were very simple; 1. Stay on our elephants while in the jungle. 2. If you get in trouble,
let your pygmy guides help you out. 3. If anything landed on our panama hats, under no circumstances were
we to clean them off.

Day one through three were all very quite, uneventful days, with lots of pictures of wildlife and flora, but few
birds and none of the prize at large. On the fourth day, about 30 minutes into our journey, something caused
the brim of my big old floppy panama hat to dip low over my brow. I took the hat off to inspect it and found that
there was a huge bird turd on it and without thinking, I grabbed a tissue out of my pocket and wiped it off. Our
guides saw what I had done and in unison they all ran off into the jungle, in every possible different direction, leaving us sitting alone in the jungle. It took us hours to get back to camp alone, and when we got there all of our pygmies
were nowhere to be found. Just as it looked as if things couldn't get any worse, the most horrible rain storm of the
century broke out on us and we were forced to hunker down in our tents for three days, nearly being washed away
by terrential flood waters that closed in on us.We escaped the danger by the skin of our teeth. It was awful, and to think it was all my fault. You see,it is a very simple matter of this :

When the Phoo sh!ts, wear it.

MamaSqu · 11/01/2015 8:29 am

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming.

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10/27/2015 9:35 am #1

Taser

10/27/2015 9:49 am #2

Re: Taser

10/27/2015 10:02 am #3

Re: Taser

Sam wrote:

10/27/2015 10:04 pm #4

Re: Taser

10/28/2015 5:48 am #5

Re: Taser

10/28/2015 6:09 am #6

Re: Taser

10/28/2015 6:51 am #7

Re: Taser

10/28/2015 6:56 am #8

Re: Taser

10/28/2015 7:08 am #9

Re: Taser

10/29/2015 10:46 am #10

Re: Taser

10/31/2015 7:28 am #11

Re: Taser

11/01/2015 8:29 am #12

Re: Taser

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