A man brings his best buddy  home for dinner.......unannounced at 7:30pm after work.  
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits there and listens in.

Wife: My hair and makeup aren't done,the house is a mess,the dishes aren't done.I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home ??

Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!

~~~~~~~~~~~  ** Todays Quote **  ~~~~~~~~~~~

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady 
turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one 
of those hideous representations you 
call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. 
"That one's called a mirror."


~~~~~~~~~~~~  ** Todays Joke **  ~~~~~~~~~~~


Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. 
They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night 
sky.  Holmes said, "Watson, look up.  What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.

"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the 
universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. 
We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every 
day to be worthy of our blessings.  In a meteorological 
sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow.  What 
does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
 

Last edited by MamaSqu (11/02/2015 5:53 am)

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Dori wrote:

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Didn't see that one coming!  Very cute.

Do you know why women have such poor depth perception ?
They are constantly told this is ...
__________________________________
6 inches

You never disappoint,Mama! Nice way to start the day ,with laughter!  Good job!

Last edited by Dori (11/03/2015 8:14 am)

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

~~~~~~~~~~~  ** Todays Quote **  ~~~~~~~~~~~

"I come from a wealthy divorced family.  My mom's wealthy,
my dad's divorced."

    - Pauly Shore


~~~~~~~~~~~~  ** Todays Joke **  ~~~~~~~~~~~


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and
therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH NO!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should 
see the back of mine!"

Dori wrote:

  Love it!    I teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence and you shoot one,how many are left?" Johnny says "none".The teacher asks "Why?" Johnny says "because the shots scared them off". The teacher says ,"No,there were two left ,but I like how you're thinking!
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an Ice cream parlor ,one is licking her ice cream ,one is sucking her ice cream,and one is biting her ice cream.which one is married?" The teacher says ,"the one sucking her ice cream".Johnny says "nope .the one wearing the wedding ring ,but I like how your are thinking"

You win this round, but I'm gonna win the next one. 

Wife:  Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband:  Okay, but if you get home before I do,
leave the hallway light on.


~~~~~~~~~~~~  ** Todays Joke **  ~~~~~~~~~~~


Jake was dying.  His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side.  She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him from
his slumber.  He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. 

"My darling Becky," he whispered.  
"Hush, my love," she said.  "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He
was insistent.  "Becky," he said in his tired voice
"I ... I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky.  I ... I slept with
your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
Mother!"  "I know" Becky whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."